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Have you ever felt understood? That another person understands your difficulty and your frustration at something when you express it to them? That they can understand your pain?
If so, how do you feel afterwards? Don’t you feel a deep sense of relief? As if what you described isn’t solely your problem? Or, as if it makes sense to feel that way, that you’re not the only one who feels this bad, given the circumstances. Don’t you also feel a little more “connected” to this person?
What would be useful for you next to be able to overcome your difficulty? Would this person be helpful in giving you some possible solutions to your problem? To tell you that there are worse things out there? Break down all the reasons why what you described isn’t all that important? Maybe, or maybe not! Then what would help? The answer is simple. Nothing.
The fact that they heard you and made you feel that they understood you is enough. And that’s because:
- Because when we have the opportunity to express our problem to another person and they actually listen to us, then we can process all the difficult feelings that this problem causes us. And when we can process our feelings, they disappear. They give us the courage we need to take the big step and get out of the dead end.
- Because when someone listens to us without judging or proposing solutions, it gives us the opportunity to think for ourselves about the best solution to our problem. Because the best solution is the one that takes into account all our desires, all our beliefs, and the way we see the world and life, which are unique to each person. When someone really listens to us and we feel that they understand us, we can coordinate our feelings about the issue on the one hand and our logic on the other, so that we manage to find the most suitable solution of all. Ourselves.
- Because when we share a difficulty with someone else, and he/she accepts us exactly as we are, we bond a little more with them, and we feel less alone.
This is why empathy is so important when raising our children. It is what lays the foundations for good mental health.
What is empathy?
Empathy is our ability to see things from another’s point of view and feel how they really feel. When we treat our children with empathy, it does not mean that we agree with them or that we let them do whatever they want because we understand why they want it. But it means that even though they can’t have what they want, they have something better: a person who understands and accepts them, no matter what. The experience of empathy for a child teaches them the deepest way people can connect, giving them a very important tool for any future relationship. Children who are treated with empathy not only feel closer to others but can also understand them better, and this enables them to form deeper relationships. Empathy strengthens relationships. It helps the child feel that we understand them and that they are less alone in their pain and unhappiness. Ultimately, it helps it solve its problems in the way it wants.
How do kids develop empathy?
Automatically. When a child receives empathy, they are automatically more compassionate towards others and have the ability to understand them. And the best part? When a child feels that we understand them, then they are more cooperative and open to our guidance. Which means our job as parents gets a whole lot easier!
How is this done?
It is simple. Every time you say to your child ‘I understand..’ or ‘that must have been very difficult..’ you are speaking with empathy. Every time you put yourself in your child’s shoes and try to understand how they feel, you empathize with them.
Why is empathy so powerful?
Because all people have feelings, milder or more intense, that penetrate us and influence our behavior. Children, because their brains are not yet fully developed, and they do not have the experience that an adult has, are often plagued by their emotions, and they need someone who can help them navigate through this maze of emotions in order to not get carried away by them. Most of the time, when a child feels heard (or when an adult feels heard), their difficult feelings lose their intensity, and slowly begin to dissolve. We don’t have to do anything about our child’s feelings, or even like them. We just have to acknowledge their existence, and they begin to evaporate. On the other hand, pent-up feelings don’t go away. They stay with us. They are trapped inside us and are looking for a way to escape. In fact, because they are out of our conscious control, they jump out unexpectedly, at an unexpected time, or in some other form, like a child hitting their sibling, nightmares in sleep, or a nervous tic.
What isn't empathy and what is empathy
It is not tolerance
You can (and should) set limits for your child when they are needed. Then, acknowledge your child’s frustration with the limit you set. Don’t get defensive. It is important for your child that you can tolerate his frustration and anger towards you, showing him that you love him even if it is not connected to his love for you.
We do not provide solutions to the problem
Your goal is for the child to overcome their anger so that they can find a solution to the problem on their own. So when they express their difficulty to you, you simply listen carefully and acknowledge it, not offer solutions.
It doesn’t mean we agree
Acknowledging feelings and responding to them does not mean we agree with them or embrace them. We simply show the child that we understand—nothing less, nothing more. If you’ve ever felt understood, then you know what a great gift that is.
It’s not an interrogation
“Tell me how you feel” is not empathy. The mirroring, the feedback of all that the child tells us they feel, however, is.
It is not about trying to change the feeling to make the other person feel better
The fastest way for difficult emotions to dissolve is to empathize. If we try to reason around the emotion our child is feeling in an attempt to make them feel better, all we do is sweep the emotion under the rug, which will surface later.
So what is it?
- Listening without trying to solve the problem
- Acknowledging and responding to emotion
- Matching our reaction to the intensity of the child’s emotions so that he feels we really understand them.